Just call me alice

Screen Shot 2016-03-08 at 1.26.59 PMUnfortunately, as a child my family taught me to put everything and everyone’s well being and interests around me in life before my own. i chose a long time ago not to  remember my childhood and it is amazing how easy that was for me. However, one of the things i do remember is being upset and crying about things going on in my family and being told, ‘You will be ok; don’t say anything. Everyone already has enough on them without you adding to it’. i know I am an adult now and i can chose my own life, but that habit has thus far, been impossible for me to break over the years. Even worse, no one has to ask me to do it anymore; i volunteer for it. It affects every area of my life; my job, my relationships…it is my automatic thought process to analyze the situation around me, see what is wanted/needed and do it no matter what it costs me; my time, my thoughts, my heart, my body, my sanity, anything. It’s not until i am in over my head that i realize how much i am suffering for it and begin to take a look at what it is doing to me.

It is utterly devastating to give, all of myself and no one ever even ask, ‘What you do want? What do you need? What makes you happy? You are appreciated and valued’. If it ever does get asked, it is because i have had to bring it to up and one of two situations inevitably occur: i am pissed off that i had to bring it up in the first place and i am too scared to speak up on my own behalf, or even if these things i need/want are provided, it usually too little too late. i have already given everything i have; i have nothing left to give; nothing left of me. at first i  will find myself lost; questioning ‘who am i, does anyone care about me, do i care about me, why do i do this to myself time and time again?’.

When i finally realize that i have no answers to those questions comes the bitterness, hurt, depression, anger and i can feel myself retreating to a place behind a wall i have spent a lifetime building where i try and convince myself that i no longer care about anything or anyone and i will do whatever i want, when i want. At the time it sounds like a great idea, but more often than not, it leads to more self destructive behavior; spiraling down the rabbit hole of exhaustion and self loathing that is just too much to bear and wishing, so badly, that the hole would fill in on top of me and erase me completely.

Where is the balance between caring for yourself enough to ensure your needs and wants are being met while desperately trying to take care of the world around you and those in your world? i look at others and see them balance this effortlessly and it bewilders me. How do they do it? Where is this elusive line that i am convinced must exist between taking care of yourself and taking care of the the things you value most in your life? Does it even exist?

I feel like Alice in my own private wonderland hell where both sides of the mushroom make me smaller, too small for anyone to even notice.


3 thoughts on “Just call me alice

  1. What an amazing first look at where you are! But don’t jump to quickly into thinking others have it figured out. Underneath they feel just like Alice too. I think it really has to do with how content are they in there corner of the chaos. But if you’re not be glad you are in a position to change it, to make the decision to change things is the scary part. I wish you good luck with your journies because there are lots of them. You are stronger than you think. Just remember…we can’t always be over the moon about everything…being content with ourselves is a tall order, but very doable ❤


  2. You know Alice… there is a saying. Its a bit corny, but its true. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I too had a childhood riddled with family issues, however at some stage I realized that I could disassociate my families state of affairs from my perception of myself (if that makes sense).
    Rather than preach, let me say this… the most important thing to be is a self actualized person. I think you are one already, you just need to get into a space where you can see life as a movie starring you. (Yes, you are the star & everyone *including Leo* are supporting characters). Thats how I see life. Thats how you become indestructible. Take heart & know that… you gots this 😉


  3. I honestly think there’s not a soul been created who doesn’t need to find/have their own “rabbit hole”. We have all been created flawed and unsure of ourselves in various ways, and all have a story of what caused us to “be the way we are”. The key to this all is knowing Jesus, and letting him provide that “rabbit hole” you need to take all the fears and pain to. He alone will direct you to your place of peace. I know this to be a fact, without Him I would no longer be alive in this world…. psalms 46:10

    Liked by 1 person

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