Battlefield


He taughts and torments me for what seems like every second of every day. There are only fleeting moments of reprief. They always come unannounced, no bags packed to stay. They dance around me, through me, the rays of light that pass through the dark clouds that cover my sky.

When they come I welcome them with open arms, so warm magical, full of hope and love. I dance for their delight, sing their praises, and bask in their glory. They illuminate my soul, they show me the way. As I marvel in their grace, I feel like I could fly, like they could lift me up and carry me away from this Godforsaken place.

The clouds begin to move and the rays of light are no more. My soul is still aglow and shines through the darkness that now surrounds me. I go along unafraid but the clouds begin to get thicker, darker, and fall to the ground. I can no longer see in front of me so I stretch my arms out to try and feel my way through the jungle that I have wandered into. As I stagger and stumble along, I trip over something and fall to my knees. When I stand, I can feel a warm liquid streaming down my arms and legs. My body feels beaten and battered with bruises. Though I know the way, I know I cannot go back from whence I came.

I cry out to the light to come to me, to show me the way, but my cries seemingly go unanswered. I begin to run, tears streaming from my face are also falling from the sky. My sobs thunder and shake me to my core. The wind swirls around me sending chills down my spine and whistles in my ears, “The light is gone, never to return. Hold on to your hope, your love, your faith, and I will make you suffer. I will make you burn. Your tears will stream from inside of you like endless waterfalls and there will be no one there to comfort you. Those around you will not understand and try to help you in vain. They will turn their back on you when loving you causes them pain. You will be left to wander the darkness aimlessly alone. I will fool you with the things your heart desires. Offering you to them as a play toy, only for you to be cast aside when it will hurt you the most. Your sadness will soon turn to rage. Hate, fear, and loathing will consume your body and pierce anything near you with your stare. I will crush your body into a million pieces in the palm of my hand, but ever so slowly, as to hear one bone snap at a time. I will play tricks on your mind, making you believe you are worthless, empty, and ashamed. You will question who you are as I take your memory from you, your dreams, your name. Your mind will turn on itself and you will soon go insane. I will take pleasure in all of your torture and your pain. I say this though this is not what I want for you. I want to be your friend. Surrender to me and all of the pain can be avoided; I will never leave you and reward you till the very end. Fame, fortune, beauty, power, I will gladly let you have it all. Surrender to me, heart and soul, surely you see it’s a small price to pay. ”

This wind swirls at my feet and has now taken on a form. A grin is spread across his face as he thinks surely he has won. I lift my head up, tears still in my eyes. The glow inside my soul ignites and covers my body in armor, impenetrable to his fangs. So sure of his victory, he is unaware of any change, I pick him up by the talk and stare deep into his cold black eyes, “I know plenty of others would turn to you, give in to your play. You won the battle, brought me to my knees, and your proposition might sound good to some, but you see, the light in my heart is not of my own; as I suspect you already know. It shines down to His children here on earth thought it does not remain; because as we have been taught, this is your domain. You may enjoy all it has to offer till the end of days but it would do you well to remember that those days are numbered, it is written as so. It is not my desire to be your friend and though I know it will be hard and painful, I will battle you till the end of my days. You may win some, but you will not win the war, and when your days are done, mine have just begun because the Lord my God reigns on high in the heavens. It is His armor I wear, His light in my heart, His name on my soul, and His victory over you that gives me hope and strength. The Lord my God rebukes you! Go away from here and leave me be!”

He is instantly gone from my sight and the tears dry from my eyes. The clouds part to let the light shine down on me once again. I remove my armor to bask in all of its glory and love for as long as it will remain.

The clouds begin to roll in and though try as I might to stay in its presence, I am but a sinner living in a sinful world and cannot yet lie in it forever. I put my armor back on for I know who is to come. The prince of darkness, the king of lies, the father of all that is evil; the persistent little Devil.

 

Ephesians 6:10-20 HCSB Holy Bible

10 Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by His vast strength. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics of the Devil. 12 For our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens. 13 This is why you must take up the full armor of God, so that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having everything, to take your stand. 14 Stand, therefore, with truth like a belt around your waist, righteousness like armor on your chest, 15 and your feet sandaled with readiness for the gospel of peace, 16 In every situation take the shield of faith, and with it you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one, 17 Take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is God’s word, 18 Pray at all times in the Spirit with every prayer and request, and stay alert in all this with all perseverance and intercession for all the saints, 19 Pray also for me, that the message may be given to me when I open my mouth to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel. 20 For this I am an ambassador in chains, Pray that I might be bold enough in Him to speak as I should.

My Best Friend


What image comes to your mind when I ask you who your best friend is? Some of you would picture a friend, coworker, roommate, family member, etc. Mine is my  fury baby cat Puck.

Puck and I got off to a rocky start. I lived in Colorado at the time. It was a hot summer night, I was going to pick up something to eat at a local Mexican restaurant. Typical me, I had my windows rolled all the way down, hair blowing in the wind, radio turned up loud, and yes, I was probably singing too. I pulled into the entrance of the restaurant and he was sitting by the door meowing so loud I could hear him over my music. He was adorable and I thought to myself, ‘if he is still there when I come back out, he is going to leave with me’ lol. Sure enough, he was there and so after confirming with the people in the area that he was not their cat, so I went and picked him up and got in the car with him.

He originally wasn’t supposed to be my cat. I got him to take to a friend who had just lost their cat. Within three days of me dropping Puck off, I got a phone call; ‘you gotta come get this cat!’. Apparently Puck was all over the counter tops, coffee tables, wouldn’t use the little box..he was acting like a crazy cat!

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I didn’t really want another cat (I already had one-Harley) but he was so cute and full of personality, I couldn’t let him go.

He was a little fuzz ball of energy; always terrorizing my other cat or into something; and talk about needy, he is the neediest cat I have ever seen! He needed constant attention and it drove me nuts. I used to make fun of him and call him ‘the neediest cat in captivity’. He drove me crazy, always needing attention lol.

Harley passed away. Freshly divorced, Puck and I packed up the apartment and headed back home to Tennessee. Mom flew out to Colorado, we rented a Budget truck and away we went. Puck loved riding in the dash of the truck. It was so big, he could get up there and lay down. When we would stop someone people would ohh and ahh over how cute he is. (Cute but definitely a handful lol)

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When I moved back to Tennessee from Colorado it was one of the worst times in my life. It was like a country song, ‘I left my man, my cat died, so I quit my job and loaded up the truck and drove down the highway while the sun set behind me’. I was alone, depressed, and broke. This cat has been my saving grace so many times. I needed a friend and he was right there for me. He was always there, always listened to me no matter how many times I cried over the exact same thing, he would act crazy to make me smile and cheer me up, and he cuddled to me when I needed someone to hold. I get him all curled up in my arms, his eyes barely open and purring, and I will smile, pet him, and say, ‘God knew I needed a Puck in my life’. He has been there with me through the ups and downs. I don’t have any children;  he is my fur baby; my best friend.

Not only is he needy, he does what he wants! He knows his mom loves him dearly and he takes full advantage of that! He is so funny; he walks around the house looking around like, ‘ya I own this place’ and puff up his fur. He makes himself comfortable where ever he wants.

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It’s hard to tell with all of the fur, but he has six toes on his front paws. They look like little baseball mitts and are so cute. I tell him just because he is special doesn’t me he is king of the castle (even though we both know he is!)

Here is a link to a video of him performing his ‘I’m so cute and I know it’ routine https://youtu.be/a1D7K1rTP8o  I have to beat-box a little to get him going lol.

A few days ago he started having seizures. He had been off to his self most of the day. He does that sometimes to get in a good long nap. I panicked when I saw him and we made a trip to the emergency room. My heart was racing and I was doing my best not to completely lose my mind. The vet wasn’t able to determine what was causing the seizures since they couldn’t do any testing and didn’t want to put him on medication with him not having a history of seizures, so the best I could do for him was take him home and watch him closely to see if it happened again. Money, the culprit of all that is evil, is why I had to bring him home. For him just to spend the night was $800. I won’t say how much I make, but that is way more than I could afford.

The next day he was groggy, but the vet said that was to be expected because they gave him a sedative. He was eating a lot and even got up in the window (his favorite hang out) for awhile so I was hopeful that it was a one time occurrence. After catching some rays in the window for a few hours, he went to lay down in my bedroom. I would go and check on him about every 15 minutes. After about the 3rd time he had 2 seizures back to back and I couldn’t get out of the house with him fast enough.

I got him back to the emergency room, this time admitting him. They are running some tests on him and keeping him from having any further seizures. It is torture wondering all day every day if he is ok, missing him, and hating it so bad that he is in pain. He has been admitted two nights now. Please pray that I get my best friend home as soon as possible, healthy and safe.

Favorite Words of Vincent Van Gogh


Find things beautiful as much as you can. Most people find too little beautiful.

Art is to console those who are broken by life.

I know nothing with any certainty but the sight of the stars makes me dream.

I put my heart and soul into my work, and I have lost my mind in the process.

Color in a painting is like enthusiasm in life.

I would rather die of passion than of boredom. fullsizeoutput_1ac2

Go out and paint the stars.

I feel that there is noting more truly artistic than to love people.

I wish they would only take me as I am.

I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart.

Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony, and music inside me.

I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God’s help I shall succeed.

The beginning is perhaps more difficult than anything else, but keep heart, it will turn out all right.

Christ is more of an artist that the artists: He works in the living spirit and living flesh. He makes men instead of statues.

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.

Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all.

A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers by only see a wisp of smoke.

Normality is a paved road: it’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.

fullsizeoutput_1ac6I try more and more to be like myself, caring relatively little whether people approve or disapprove.

Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together.

I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things.

I am always doing what I cannot do yet, in order to learn how to do it.

To believe in God for me is to feel that there is a God not a dead one, or a stuffed one, but a living one, who with irresistible force urges us towards more loving.

 

She’s Got a Way


Don’t go changin’ just to try to please me
You never let me down before
And don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore

I would not leave you in times of trouble
We could have never come this far
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you any way you are

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take until you believe in me
The way that I believe in you?

I said “I love you”, and that’s forever
And this I promise from my heart
I could not love you, love you any better
I love you just the way you are

I don’t want clever, clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are

What REAL love looks like


I did a Bible study the other day in Mark that is still as close to my heart as the day I read it. The story was about Jesus being in a ship with his disciples and instructing the men to cross the Sea of Galilee to the other side. They set out to cross the sea and a terrible storm came out of nowhere, which is typical in that area because of the geography. The water was so rough and it started coming in the ship; putting them in danger of sinking and the men were in fear for their lives. They had seen Jesus heal the sick and perform other miracles so they went to Jesus, he was sleeping and caused them to frustrated with Jesus because He was not seemingly helping their dire situation. When they woke Jesus they asked Him, ‘do you not care that we are all about to die?’ Jesus got up and commanded the wind and water to be still and immediately the storm stopped. The men were in awe because they had learned from the Old Testament that God is the only one who can command the weather and it obey. Their awe turned to reverent fear of Jesus; realizing that Jesus is God. Jesus looked at the men and asked, ‘why were you afraid? Where is your faith?’

The message the pastor wanted to share is the importance of us knowing that Jesus IS God, but I got much more than that out of it. In his sermon, the pastor stressed that the storm was a real physical storm, not something that was meant to be used as just a metaphor, and asked how many times throughout our lives have we been in a real storm whether it be that you are grieving over the loss of a loved one, going through a divorce, or some other REAL storm you are having in your life and because God is not helping you the way you want Him to, you get frustrated with God and ask Him if He doesn’t care about your suffering while you try and weather such a terrible time in your life? Do you tell God that if He really cared about you that He would end your suffering? The pastor stated that this is not  the attitude we are supposed to have and that sometimes you will have to weather the storm but that does not mean that God has forgotten about you or stopped caring about you; it just means that in order for you to become the person you are meant to be, you have to endure some tough lessons in life but you should not let your fear about the situation overwhelm you because God is still there with you; He never leaves us.

This hit me pretty hard. I have recently been through what has probably been the worst time in my life and I can’t count the times that I cried out to God to make it stop because I was hurting so bad, that I didn’t think I could endure it and I was terrified that it would never stop and I could see my life starting to fall apart around me. Through my tears there were times of anger, rage even. On a conscious level, I never admitted to myself that part of my anger was directed towards God because I was in seemingly endless pain and it seemed like He didn’t care how much I desperately needed His help. When I listened to this sermon I realized it and was immediately so ashamed and apologetic to God for feeling that way towards Him. The one true rock I have in my life, the one who loves me more that anyone else, who never leaves my side no matter what, I was treating so badly. I began to sob and beg God for His forgiveness and was so hurt that I could let myself think and feel anything but love and respect for Him.

I then started thinking about how perfect God’s love is for us, how undeserving I am of it, and how thankful I am that He has and always will love me and be with me no matter what; God’s perfect unconditional love. I then started to think about the people in my life and how they have treated me. I thought about the people who have been a part of my life when things were good and I enjoyed but also, who has been with me through the storms, who has been with me in the good times and then stood by my side through all of the crap in my life. Who was it that when I tried to run away from everyone, loved me enough to chase after me, even when I took them for granted and did my best to push them far away from me. They may not have been able to help my situation, but they were there for me to give me love and support. Who has shown me love in the good times and the bad and shown me how silly I was when I doubted their love?

I have asked myself over the years, how do you know if you are with the right person as your romantic partner in life. I have thought at times that I knew the answer to  that question only to realize my error. This Bible study made me fully realize what it means to say love is patient, it is kind, it does not boast or is prideful, it is there in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. God’s love for me made me realize what REAL love is, how to recognize it when I see it, know how rare and precious it is, and to cherish it if you do find it because if you don’t, you could let it slip through your fingers, never to be found again. Thank you God for opening my eyes and my heart.

Patience


 

If you haven’t already noticed, I have, and will continue to have posts that are nothing but song lyrics. Music has always been an important part of my life; a way of expressing myself. I have always said that if you want to know what is going on in my head, listen to the words of the songs I play.That will give you an excellent starting point. Anyway, here is a glimpse to what is on my mind right now.

Patience by Guns and Roses 

One, two, one, two, three, four

Shed a tear ’cause I’m missing you
I’m still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn’t sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you’re in my heart now

Said woman take it slow it’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow and we’ll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience, patience, ooh yeah

Sit here on the stairs ’cause I’d rather be alone
If I can’t have you right now, I’ll wait dear
Sometimes I get so tense but I can’t speed up the time
But you know love there’s one more thing to consider

Said woman take it slow the things will be just fine
You and I’ll just use a little patience
Said sugar take the time ’cause the lights are shining bright
You and I’ve got what it takes to make it
We won’t fake it, oh and never break it, ’cause I can’t take it

Little patience, yeah, ooh yeah, need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience yeah, some more patience, yeah
(I’ve been walking these streets at night)
Just trying to get it right
(Need some patience, yeah)
It’s hard to see with so many around
You know I don’t like being stuck in a crowd

(Could use some patience yeah)
And the streets don’t change but maybe the name
I ain’t got time for the game ’cause I need you
(Patience, yeah)
Yeah, yeah well I need you, oh, I need you
(Take some patience)
Whoa, I need you
(Just a little patience is all we need)
Ooh, this time

Patience has never been one of my strong suits but in the last two years God has been trying to help me out with that. There were times I didn’t think I was going to make it. I couldn’t wait to get out of where I was; I just wanted to move on. There were times I had to be carried because I couldn’t walk. Coming out on the other side, I realize that I am not only more patient but I also have more endurance. I now know just how important they are for you to have. Nothing great in life ever comes easy, otherwise everyone would have a great life right?Which road will you take?


If I saw you now
Could I look in your eyes?

Do you think of me
Like I dream of you?

Do you wish you were here
Like I wish I was with you?

You’ve loved me before
Do you love me now?

Does love ever end
When two hearts have torn away?
Or does it go on
And beat strong anyway?
You’ve loved me before
Do you love me now?

Come back to me right now!
C’mon c’mon come back to me right now!

C’mon c’mon come back to me right now!
C’mon c’mon come on!

You’ve loved me before
Do you love me now?

You’ve loved me before
Do you love me now?

Overkill


 

I can’t get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it’s just imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night
My heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can’t get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations that
I know will be alright
It’s just overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night
My heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

Life Lessons


I was looking back over the last couple of years, realizing how much I have changed and thought I would share some of what I have/am still learning:

•I have learned the importance of HOPE

•I have fought my demons, made peace with the past, and am moving on

•Do not expect anything from anyone

•Life is about creating yourself; you are who you choose to be

•Thoughts-Words-Actions-Habits-Character-Destiny

•Life is made up of RIGHT NOW moments

•The Importance and significance of patient; patience with myself, God, and others

•You and you alone are responsible for your actions

•You don’t have to ‘jump in’ to things if it is ok if you have to ‘ease in’. You don’t have to be all or nothing. You don’t have to be moving at full speed to be making progress.

•Life is gray area so get used to it. There are too many factors involved in anything for it to be black and white.

•If you never try, you have no right to complain when your life isn’t what you want it to be!